Sexy beast stuff ... which will make it clear how bored I am

My new sexy beast comes with a long sleek manual. To the disgust and frustration of the Fat Bastard and the Infant who both wanted to play I insisted on turning first to the manual. It comes with three pages of lay out drawings, two pages of manufacturer guff, a two page table of contents, a two page menu layout and then twelve (12) whole pages given over to safety warnings.

I now know that my phone contains a transmitter and receiver and that it both receives and transmits Radio Frequency Energy (when it is switched ON).

There follow two pages of dire warnings of the consequences of tampering with the phone or using it other than in the manner intended or with approved manufacturer-provided accessories: "When placing or receiving a phone call, hold your phone as you would a fixed line phone."

Then there's stuff about not using the thing in hospitals when directed to turn it off, to obey the instructions of airline staff, to be very careful if you've a pacemaker or a hearing aid (or some other unspecified medical devices.

Then we get to the phone and driving. The fact is driving while attempting to much else besides breath in and out is potentially lethal (though not breathing in and out would almost certainly be lethal too). Banal conversations are normally safe but contentious or complex conversations by their very nature demand concentration and are distracting and therefore not conducive to safe driving; something that holds true whether the co-conversationalist is sitting beside one or on the other end of a phone line.

So the point isn't or shouldn't be what the law says but what is right (though I can't object to the injunction to Always Obey The Law). The trouble is the manual says "give full attention to driving and the road" but then proceeds to imply that it might under certain circumstances be safe to hold a conversation using the phone while driving [hands-free, of course].

Quite amusingly on the following page the manual goes on point out that airbags inflate with great force and anyone being stupid enough to keep their phone over the airbag outlet is likely in the event of that airbag inflating to be injured.

There's more after that about petrol stations and other potentially explosive atmospheres (such as the inside of boats and grain silos). Then under the headline Blasting Caps and Areas there's a warning about using the device near electrical caps or in areas that (again) with warning signs and yet again there's a warning to Obey All Signs and Instructions.

The manual then turns to the battery and much of the following six and a half pages is given over to their use, charging, storage and disposal. Somewhere in the midst there's a brief piece on repetitive strain-type injury.

I'm now going to sleep of the strain of getting to the point in the manual wherein it explains how to place or receive a call.