More letters from 2000

First, dated Friday 9 June, 2000

My Dear _____

I feel utterly shattered and let down once again by what is happening. How can you go through this life with no thought for your family? Nothing but lies, lies and more lies. Well we have had it with you. We have pleaded with you a million and one times that you owe it to your wife and little child if not to us to be decent, upright and responsible. You are over middle age [in fact 40 years and 9 days old] and still acting like a carefree adolescent, free spending with other peoples money, with never a thought for paying anything back. Are you not ashamed? Where has it all gone?

All your Dad and I have sacrificed for you and look how you treat us - as if we didn't matter - just a soft touch or worse, fools. Well no more - you can sink or swim, and do not contact us again until and until you can show proof of your integrity (if you know the meaning of the word).

I have now learned that you may be out of work and that when you spoke with me a few nights ago you told me that you were in ______ and that your lift was coming - your Dad has just arrived back from seeing ______ [me] who told him that she thinks you are not working at the MOD (this can't be true can it?) she says that you are now doing 3 nights a week in a pub?

The litany of lies from you is unbelievable. You are well aware of the enormous disadvantages of being in debt collectors books - it goes from one financial agency to another and your reputation thereafter is mud.

You are not to touch any of the family of friends of yours and ours for money, its so low and embarrassing. I shall never be able to lift my head in public. See what you have reduced us to? Shame on you. Mum.

And this longer one, dated 18 August 2000

My Dear _____

I would like you to read this through and get back to me on it.

I spoke with ______ this morning who has given me an account of matters as they stand between you. Your Dad and I are completely shattered. All your promises to give your attention to your little daughter and ______ seem like pie in the sky now. The poor woman is at her wits end, what with all the debts that have been mounting up and the legal action that is threatened to recoup the moneys due, is quite unacceptable. Hiding Bills, etc, in the shed is not fair; how can you do this?

I believe that 1st you need professional counselling immediately to sort out your muddled thinking, to stop you drinking and cigarette smoking and any other vices that only you know of (at present).

We none of us know for certain that you have a job or with whom, and what happened to the chap who lived in B______ [the town we live in] who used to pick you up? As I understand you now go to ______ for a lift to ______? Who is this guy then?

Apparently you have been seen on occasions walking in B______, how come if you were supposed to be at work? ______, please help us understand.

Do you still work at the pub? I never expected you to lower your standards to work in such places. It may have been OK when you were a student but surely not now, and if you have a full time job, not at all! You have let ______, little ______ and your parents down so badly it beggars belief but surely there is still time.

[Padding excised at this point]

For one thing you should always know your outgoings from month to month and budget accordingly. All married men have money responsibilities, the rent or mortgage and upkeep of the house. It is an essential prerequisite for an harmonious marriage. It seems to us that ______ is paying for everything. This can't be right and you should know it. She also pays your pension. Where does your money go? and what precisely did you spend all the money for the shares, it didn't go to a deposit. Just tell us the absolute truth now.

[More padding excised at this point]

______ is missing her family in Australia and she would like to see them, so help her to accomplish her wish. My only regret on this is that she would be taking ______ and your Dad and I may never see her again.

Why did you marry? Did you not think that with your previous failed marriage, your indolent and truly selfish ways would jeopardise your second chance at happiness?

You may think that all the deceit and lies that you have been getting away with all those years could continue indefinitely. Well they haven't and quite right too. Do you believe that because we have a house to sell that you will be financially secure? Well think again. We know enough now, not to throw good money down the drain. You have no intention of making good.

______ [religious leader] was only trying to show you, all those years ago what you needed to do. Discipline was one. He said you were an out and out liar, and not to defend you. He was only trying to point out that you shouldn't have got your friend to take you to hospital without the express permission of the school. He and you got into a lot of trouble as a result, but I won't rub it in now. You know it was wrong. You were trying no doubt to impress and to show off how you could get away with it. It doesn't really work. Uprightness and the absolute truth are admirable traits in any man, not tomfoolery. One likes to be admired and looked up to and kids like to emulate their parents. What else does one have to offer, tell me, please tell me.

You thought that you were clever, deceiving me and all of us, and seemingly getting away with it. I recall saying many many times that you must never do anything that you would be ashamed of in later life. Nothing stays secret forever and now you are reaping what you have sown.

Have you ever done anything that youcan be really proud of. I should like to hear. ______ intends taking ______ home to be educated in Australia, and hse has high hopes for her, just as I had for you.

Had you been more honest, trustworthy husband, it might never have come to this. You seem to have forfeited your parental rights and religious upbringing as ______ doesn't believe in religion at present. You probably don't either,but that is no reason or excuse to deprive your little innocent child of her God given right of a glorious experience, she can decide later if it has no relevance in her life, but at least give her the opportunity to experience an unique privilege.

Please get in touch immediately. Love Mum

Reading these through for the first time in several years a couple of things strike me.

The tone is of course quite distinct and to my ears hectoring; hardly conducive to bringing a recalcitrant overgrown adolescent to heel. And some might be tempted to see blame lying with the parent as much as with the child.

Bear in mind though that the truth, which may or may not set one free, is in here.

He told me that he was expelled for being caught sneaking off the school grounds to go drinking in a nearby pub. The letter suggests that the expulsion arose out of something altogether different - if he had an accident and had to be taken to school then I suspect this accident was the one in which he put his arm through some plate glass, severely ripping up the underside of the upper arm. Be he told me that the incident happened when he was at university.

Why, on earth did he lie about when and where; if it would have made any difference it would have made a positive one since fooling around to the point of endangering your own (or some other person's) life becomes less impressive with age.

This is what really grinds everyone down in the end. The sheer pointless stupidity of the lies he tells.

I can't face doing any more of them just yet, but another of these letters is at:

http://thisismyaffair.blogspot.com/2005/11/those-cleaning-expeditions.html