Knowing and believing
It has become fashionable in certain circles to cleave to the view that All Men Are Bastards, and the women they cheat with are Sluts, Slags and Skanks.
And some people (such as Meg) talk of Karma which is just another way of saying, as has been said for thousands of years: as ye sow so shall ye reap.
The problem with all this is that while we can believe many things (including things we've read in books and seen on television or been told by a 'reputable' source) we can only know what we've experienced.
Almost everyone today believes that the earth is round; but very very few could actually assemble the evidence for this: they believe that the earth is round, but they have actually no basis for claiming to know it to be so. [Actually, here it may be asserted that some 'reputable' sources are so Reputable as to constitute a reliable source for claims that can be taken as fact.]
The issue for me here is: are all the women who sleep with married men Slags and so forth (or simply stupid) or is this situation slightly more nuanced than that?
I ask as someone who has no particular brief for the Other Woman, but on the other hand no particular axe to grind either. I'm at one with the Wronged Wives of the World yet struggling to join them in seeing things in so black and white fashion. In my experience anything that involves people is complex and requires shades of grey at least if not also colour.
These wronged wives believe that all the women in the world who sleep with a married man are sluts because they know that the woman who slept with (and even perhaps lured away) her husband is a slut.
I've been troubled by this for a while without being able to put my finger on quite why but this week I think I've got it. What I dislike particularly about this is the way in which it to some extent lets the cheater off the hook. He's a cheat and the morals or lack thereof of the person with whom he cheated are utterly beside the point. She may or may be a slut but that is entirely a side issue for the cheated-upon wife. The Other Woman is an easy target and I fear that in venting so much anger at her the wife is merely distracting herself from what is the most painful part in this: having to acknowledge that she made a colossal mistake, an immense error of judgement or was plain unlucky in her choice of mate.
Me, I've had to come to terms with my monumental error of judgement and what it says about me. There was evidence that he would not be a good husband; I allowed myself to overlook it, plunge in and I have paid the price. God knows I've done that.
He eventually found someone else; someone he'd been at university with and re-contacted after it became clear to him that I'd run out of tolerance for his lying, his thieving, his deceit, his sloth. She should, have course have made a principled stand against sleeping with someone who eventually admitted that he remained legally married to someone else, and got on with her life.
Instead she fell for what he claimed about himself, and about me, and she's paid a big price for that too. Karma? Well that could be. When he got back in contact with her she'd come to terms with her single (divorced) status and childlessness and decided that if she were ever to alter the last and have a longed-for child then she'd need to avail herself of the means available to her in the US of IVF treatment.
The Fat Bastard coming into her life with protestations of a miserable existence as an heroic wage earner to support his nasty horrible wife and the kid who isn't even his side-tracked her into hoping that she might after all live happily ever after with the man she'd left behind in returning home at the end of her post-grad degree course (taken in the UK). And now five years later her chances of having a child are that many years more remote. And she's all alone.
You see she once believed that he'd leave his wife and child behind and go and live happily ever after with her in Philadelphia. Now she knows that he won't. You see the Fat Bastard hasn't done anything today he could possibly do tomorrow. All things being equal (and they aren't) he'd still be talking about moving to the USA and starting a new life with her. Instead he has a mother pulling him one way, and a cozy existence here keeping rooted in one place. Shifting his hefty carcase would be hard work.
The irony in all this is that for years before hand I'd rather hoped to come home from work one day and find a note on the kitchen bench to the effect of "so long, off to live happily ever after with x, in y". But the Fat Bastard being a feckless liar was as much a feckless liar to her as he was to me. Did she deserve this? I actually and honestly have no idea if she did indeed deserve to be treated as he treated her.
Am I saying I believe that it is after all the fault of the wife when the husband cheats or some other way behaves like a bastard? I can only say that I know its my fault I ended up married to the Bastard I married.
And some people (such as Meg) talk of Karma which is just another way of saying, as has been said for thousands of years: as ye sow so shall ye reap.
The problem with all this is that while we can believe many things (including things we've read in books and seen on television or been told by a 'reputable' source) we can only know what we've experienced.
Almost everyone today believes that the earth is round; but very very few could actually assemble the evidence for this: they believe that the earth is round, but they have actually no basis for claiming to know it to be so. [Actually, here it may be asserted that some 'reputable' sources are so Reputable as to constitute a reliable source for claims that can be taken as fact.]
The issue for me here is: are all the women who sleep with married men Slags and so forth (or simply stupid) or is this situation slightly more nuanced than that?
I ask as someone who has no particular brief for the Other Woman, but on the other hand no particular axe to grind either. I'm at one with the Wronged Wives of the World yet struggling to join them in seeing things in so black and white fashion. In my experience anything that involves people is complex and requires shades of grey at least if not also colour.
These wronged wives believe that all the women in the world who sleep with a married man are sluts because they know that the woman who slept with (and even perhaps lured away) her husband is a slut.
I've been troubled by this for a while without being able to put my finger on quite why but this week I think I've got it. What I dislike particularly about this is the way in which it to some extent lets the cheater off the hook. He's a cheat and the morals or lack thereof of the person with whom he cheated are utterly beside the point. She may or may be a slut but that is entirely a side issue for the cheated-upon wife. The Other Woman is an easy target and I fear that in venting so much anger at her the wife is merely distracting herself from what is the most painful part in this: having to acknowledge that she made a colossal mistake, an immense error of judgement or was plain unlucky in her choice of mate.
Me, I've had to come to terms with my monumental error of judgement and what it says about me. There was evidence that he would not be a good husband; I allowed myself to overlook it, plunge in and I have paid the price. God knows I've done that.
He eventually found someone else; someone he'd been at university with and re-contacted after it became clear to him that I'd run out of tolerance for his lying, his thieving, his deceit, his sloth. She should, have course have made a principled stand against sleeping with someone who eventually admitted that he remained legally married to someone else, and got on with her life.
Instead she fell for what he claimed about himself, and about me, and she's paid a big price for that too. Karma? Well that could be. When he got back in contact with her she'd come to terms with her single (divorced) status and childlessness and decided that if she were ever to alter the last and have a longed-for child then she'd need to avail herself of the means available to her in the US of IVF treatment.
The Fat Bastard coming into her life with protestations of a miserable existence as an heroic wage earner to support his nasty horrible wife and the kid who isn't even his side-tracked her into hoping that she might after all live happily ever after with the man she'd left behind in returning home at the end of her post-grad degree course (taken in the UK). And now five years later her chances of having a child are that many years more remote. And she's all alone.
You see she once believed that he'd leave his wife and child behind and go and live happily ever after with her in Philadelphia. Now she knows that he won't. You see the Fat Bastard hasn't done anything today he could possibly do tomorrow. All things being equal (and they aren't) he'd still be talking about moving to the USA and starting a new life with her. Instead he has a mother pulling him one way, and a cozy existence here keeping rooted in one place. Shifting his hefty carcase would be hard work.
The irony in all this is that for years before hand I'd rather hoped to come home from work one day and find a note on the kitchen bench to the effect of "so long, off to live happily ever after with x, in y". But the Fat Bastard being a feckless liar was as much a feckless liar to her as he was to me. Did she deserve this? I actually and honestly have no idea if she did indeed deserve to be treated as he treated her.
Am I saying I believe that it is after all the fault of the wife when the husband cheats or some other way behaves like a bastard? I can only say that I know its my fault I ended up married to the Bastard I married.
posted by Enyo @ 10:08 pm
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